hERe tHeN gOnE....

I am what I have done... a karmic retribution and twist of fate gone array. Once the perception of being loved in return appears, why does it lead to something so hungry to dissolve every ounce of that... the twisted, dirty rag squeezing every last possible drop. The eraser demolishing every written line on our black board just in the span of a day. How is it possible to erase a year's worth of words in just a few hours... every emotional vowel... each heart felt syllable? It all seems to rest on a psychological teeter-totter, never reaching the same parallel at the same time. This imbalance has further pressed the momentum to the point of falling off into the dirt, just to rub your head in bewilderment.

The empty bottle was apparently not so empty and while blind sighted by trust, there was no warning when the cap blew off... but then again... what IS trust when left in the hands of another. If I remain NOT the reason then why are you running for cover in the opposite direction just to leave me in the rain without an umbrella? A contradictory attempt to save me from swallowing "the poison" has only left questionable doubt. It is this same doubt that locked those wooden doors with nothing but a microscopic peep hole to something bigger. That same whole you discovered upon remarkable entry is left feeling nothing brighter than a dull rusty shed upon your abandonment despite the beauty you claimed it had. Those same doors want to only close in deeper.

When given the opportunity to share in the beauty no one else had witnessed, it proved only to be a trophy which you just now left on my doorstep once your insecurities and hang-ups caught up to you... your own self-prescribed poison.

I want nothing more than to share with you the joy, the sadness, the beauty, and ugliness however... suddenly your no longer there to receive it. A loss of common ground seems paradox when the facade of it says it may never have even existed. Skepticism was dormant in the beginning when I was constantly placed on a pedestal and just as predicted I proved to be human and suddenly the pedestal has transcended into a grave for what was once wonderful is now deceased.

So where is my warning that was promised? A year of sweet nothings and warm skin just to sit in an hour's notice without access to communication while your swimming within your tormented contemplation forcing me to be prisoner of mine. Seems a fair trade... ?

Ive marched into battle while risking everything just to return to news of no war at all with dented armor in worse shape than before. What was to be acquired in all that? A lesson? Sure... but a lesson with no victory none the less. The one emotion you wished to not leave imprinted in my heart is the one you left me with. Had I been informed the bottle was near full... I could of toughened up to help guzzle the contents to prevent it from exploding but was never given the opportunity to do so, even when little warnings crossed into the horizon just to be silenced by you.

At the start I made my prediction clear and regardless of being pulled astray look at where we've landed.

I predicted right.

Next time you should pay attention.

CiRcuMsTaNciAL rEspOnCe

Funny how a shift in perspective can cure such an ailment. Wouldn't it be wonderful to posses the ability to naturally nudge perspective a little sooner rather then wait for the wheel of events to move it into place? It often feels like so much trouble just to accept unchangeable and uncontrollable circumstance time and time again. While one cant always control the situation, reactions are always controllable. All a change of perspective does is alter the view in order to better grasp that fact, adjust the response, and validate the change.

While considering the depth of human thought and emotion, it seems the key is to find the actual underlying catalyst of a particular reaction. So many actualities lie dormant within a superficial or outside circumstance and once provoked, it can lead someone astray... especially since its not initially seen. If it were that easy, it would be just as easy to respond appropriately to develop a plan for action rather than let misplaced emotion caulk the cracks of reason.

It's no wonder why adjusting a reaction to a deceiving strike seems so unsatisfying and then suddenly release emerges once perspective allows one to put the actual catalyst up for renovation.

Funny how the ego constantly runs one's life and can be so sly about it. Life would be better if the egotistical off switch was more prominent.

lOvE InTeRRuPtEd

At what point do the obstacles outweigh the emotion?

Two people who rub against the grain searching for a harmless and safe experiment somehow find themselves surrounded in a progressive development of emotional attachment. As things slide perfectly into place... it creates a collision of events leading the situation to its current position. Blind sighted by means of security (secreted by individual walls), progression causes those walls to subside and view of the emotional predicament come to life. Only until an abrupt circumstantial change would the actual reality reveal itself.

The obstacles, already expected, become less passive as the contents of the envelope unfold into the open. Some slowly surface while other contents are invaded by outside curiosity and judgement. As though they are like little detectives, they dissect the evidence to find some situational truth but nothing deeper than the face of it.

Solutions that seem simple only equate to whats on the outside, and these two people face harsher indecision that stem from a more emotional aspect. While simple solutions solve only simple problems, complexity is just simplicity laced in emotion and that complexity widens in dimension as more people integrate into the equation.

So when does such complexity begin to devour its own cause and battle? Does love really exist or is a fight for love just a facade for fighting to maintain an ideal and hope?

While I hope love in itself will bring forth the result of victory... I do not currently know the answer.

sExuAl eXpReSSioN

Sex... in itself its a simple basic act.

Biologically, sex is a procreative function for survival and transcends species to species. Going beyond sex as a primary reproductive act is what differentiates humans and animals. Sex then develops a level of depth and thus becomes a mode of expression as it is individually motivated. Sex is interesting as it not only physically releases but it intertwines that with a mental and emotional release. External actions are exhibitions of the internal mind. As a basic biological function, it serves outside of its original purpose and has accessibility to internal thought... infusing it with various meaning. In fact, sexual expression can offer the most obvious cues of an individual.

Transcending expression through the act of sex can be a result of many factors. Sex, while basic, then becomes complex and it seems humans are drawn to complexity. On one end, it can provide a physical reenactment of emotion and feeling, derived from love and affection. It can also provide an outlet of release that is otherwise wrapped in another mental storage. How one expresses themselves through sex is colored by one's view on sex. It can either stem from an innate view(governed by ones natural personality), or a nurtured view (either through continuous outside influences or personal experiences). It could also be a conflict of the two.

Traditionally, sex is an expression of love between two individuals. An intimate connection that exhibits a physical action infused with feeling and emotion. Sex transcends far beyond this ideal and varies person to person. In contrast to expressing a closeness with another, it can also express independence and freedom. Promiscuity can display independence from emotion and commitment. It can serve as one's ability to conquer desires and needs without having to give emotion in return as it serves a sense of sexual freedom. A variety of partners adds to curiosity and adventure, an excitement that committal sex may not offer. Rebellion can also transcend through sexual expression. As a passive way to break society's implied rules, it can allow one to go against the majority's view of sexual intention and serve as one's way of fitting into the labeled "trouble maker", either in the choice of partner.. or the number of partners.

Self esteem and personal views also pour into sexual expression. It can display a sense of confidence as sex appeal becomes a desirable and sought out facade. Coming across as an ideal and object can reflect one's inner view on how they feel or what they would like to become. It can also reflect a need of being desired and wanted as it then counter-balances a poor personal view as they identify with their personal worth through sexual availability. It also seems those who are highly sexual often have a heightened need for expression... utilizing sex as a physical venue. A need for control can be expressed as sexual domination releases a sense of losing control in daily life... and same for submissive sex. Allowing another to relieve someone of control sexually can balance the level of control in their daily life.

Sexual expression varies person to person and can also vary within one individual. Often it seems that sexual phases run parallel with other phases within one's life. Sex is a popular venue for expression as it not only releases mentally... but the physical payoff adds to the euphoria and power sex can hold.

Sex. A basic biological function... until its broken down and infused with emotional complexity.

cRosSiNg tHe LiNe. . .

Dear Observer,

It has come to my attention that you have confused your role in my situation. You see, in any given situation there are the participants and the observers... and you have crossed a line. Without ANY confirmation you have reached a verdict as an observer which, for the record, is an assumption and while that may be deemed normal in today's society, you don't cross the line until you begin to act due to your personal judgements. I fully understand that you have an opinion, however, physically acting due to incomplete and partially inaccurate accusations lead you blindly and therefore will lead you to look like an ass.

It is not your situation to take into your own hands and even if you had been invited to participate and obviously handed parts of information, your role would still be limited as you would then be a third party. In this particular case, you were not invited and I do not appreciate your active judgements at this time. Although you may hide your direct judgements to my face, I am well aware of your standing and would advise you to remove yourself from my situation. What you don't seem to understand is that situations like this lead its own course and do not call for a hero, a villain, or any other catalyst for further drama, and in the end there is no actual gain for your forced involvement outside of feeding your own ego.

My suggestion? Live your OWN life and stay separated from mine, with in common slang would be to "mind your own business"

Sincerely,
The Participant

iNsPirAtiOn. . .

As I was looking through this book on prints and drawings, I turned the page to a drawing that instantly captured my attention. It stuck out so boldly that I couldn't help but stare at it. Its an engraving/etching done in 1943 by Stanley William Hayter titled Tarantelle. I am intrigued with the bold shapes intertwined with the fluidity of the lines and as a lover of abstract and non-objectional art... my next painting will utilize these elements to supply my own "interpretation". I am not sure what medium or subject matter yet, but it is a fact that I am transfixed on this etching. I have been researching this artist for the past hour and I am really falling in love with his work. It amazes me how individual artists express such different interpretations and the venues of such are ENDLESS. . . another reminder why I love art!

cOmMuNitY oF bOxEs

Living in a small area after so long, one cant help but notice all the little subtleties. For instance, the lonely older neighbor who stands outside hoping for a mailman or Internet installer to pass by. Puffing on a cigarette every 10 min until a person passes and talking like there is no tomorrow to the mailman trying to work. Perhaps that is HIS outlet of expression.
Another neighbor a couple doors down who has lost his leg in an accident and rides on a different "set of legs" who has a sense of humor but every so often you can catch the frustration displayed on his face when he gets stuck in the snow... and seems to pass the time chatting to the smoking neighbor looking for an ear.
Next door contains a college student who hasn't quite mastered the art of single living. Boxes, crumbs, videos, and books are strewn across his apartment and quick spring cleaning entails tossing all these these items into his already cluttered car. Every so often his friend will come to visit in his beat up car with a double layer of plastic replacing an empty passenger window. His car is also filled with endless trash... leaving barely enough room for his driver seat.
Down another 6 or 7 doors, a middle aged single guy and his homeless buddy reside. His car is packed to the ceiling with boxes, a small television, a couple bicycle wheels. He's friendly enough and as he goes to say hello in his thick hick accent, its apparent that he's missing quite a few teeth.
This is where I live.... I'm right in the middle of a small community of boxes containing a wide variety of individuals. Its fascinating to see how each separate person lives among their own and how they each interact with each other and could almost be compared to watching lab rats in a glass box. While at times I feel like I may be living in the twilight zone, I simply watch quietly and mutter under my breath (slightly laughing) "to each their own!".